I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
