I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
