I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
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