just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
