We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
