no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I am one with the molecules
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
