is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
