the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
