On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
