im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
