I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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