yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Randomize
