Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
