I think scott just propositioned me for sex
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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