For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
