you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
