Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Randomize
