Your face is a jimmy john
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
