Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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