everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
