If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Are my feet made of real feet?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
