Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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