what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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