every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Still dying that you shit outside
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
