I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
