If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
