I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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