yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
