jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
