the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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