i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
