When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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