I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
