Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
