just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
not ubering you a puppy
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
