I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
operation have a gay friend backfired
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Randomize
