Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
