its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
