I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
