it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
