Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
