tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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