and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
