Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
