508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
4 words: hood of his car
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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