It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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