Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
