He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
