he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
