you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
