why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you had me at cake vodka
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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