Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
