shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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